I just realized the other day that I have never in my life watched porn. And I’m not saying that to sound super holier than thou or anything, I actually think it’s kind of weird that I’m 22 years old and I’ve never come across any porny things.
Like, it’s never even crossed my mind to go look for one to watch. I didn’t even know that girls really watched porn until I joined tumblr a few years ago. And whenever I click on someone’s tumblr and porn gifs come up, I click close tab so quickly it’s ridiculous. I’m always scared that someone is watching me and judging me, or that I’ll die suddenly and they’ll look at my browsing history the next day and see porn everywhere and I’ll be super embarrassed. Even though I’ll be dead.
AND when I watch movies by myself and there’s a sex scene, I halfway close my eyes and feel really uncomfortable. Even though there’s no one watching it with me! I even get that way during really intense kissing scenes, all nervous and darty-eyed. It’s like I’m a kid watching an rated-R movie, I feel as if I’m doing something that I shouldn’t be doing. The Feminists would probably say that the patriarchy has suppressed me and made me feel ashamed of my sexuality as a woman or something. Which is probably true. The weirdest thing is that I’m not religious at all, I never attended church regularly as a child and my mom has never been into organized religion. So I don’t know who or what I’m scared of exactly.
So, yeah. Clearly I have some issues.